Why Marriages Often Lead to Disappointment (And How to Shift Your Perspective)
Marriage is a hopeful gamble undertaken by two people who have no idea who they truly are or who their partner is. They commit themselves to a future they have no conception of and actively avoid scrutinizing. Today, I want to discuss why the road to marriage often leads to a dead end and how a different perspective can guide us along this path.
1. We often reject great marriage prospects, not because they’re wrong, but because they’re too right💔
Unconsciously, we seek to recreate the same kind of relationship with our partner that we had with our parents. Often, we unconsciously take on the role our parents had with us towards our partner. For instance, if you had a father who was never satisfied with your performance and always found fault with you, your love language might be intertwined with criticism. Now, in your relationship with your spouse, without even realizing it, you’ve become like your father towards your partner. Your love language is also tied to criticism.
Your spouse endures this life of hardship and criticism because they experienced the same style of interaction with their parents. They’ve been breathing in this toxic, devaluing atmosphere for as long as they can remember. This desire to recreate the past is precisely what prevents a healthy marriage from forming. Based on these unconscious forces, we reject many marriage prospects, not because they’re wrong, but because they’re too right. We feel alienated by this level of correctness. We marry the wrong people because in our minds, love isn’t associated with happiness. It’s intertwined with pain, suffering, fear, shame, insecurity, and sorrow.
2. Due to our ignorance, we blame our partners🌀
As we get close to someone or become intimate, all the unhealthy traits we’ve inherited from our past become activated. These unhealthy traits? As we become emotionally closer to our partner, feelings like fear of rejection, sensitivity to humiliation, suspicion, jealousy, anger, and other unconscious pains awaken within us. At this moment, due to our ignorance, we blame our partner for the situation and start to destroy the relationship in a demanding manner. Unfortunately, since our partner is as unaware of themselves as we are, they get caught in the same vicious cycle, and a toxic exchange ensues.
3. If you marry out of loneliness, you’ll feel even lonelier after marriage🧑🤝🧑
Many of us mistakenly believe we are incredibly lonely beings. This feeling of loneliness is the biggest risk of entering a sick relationship. The more lonely you feel, the more likely you are to settle for a terrible relationship. Therefore, you should be completely at peace with the possibility of being alone for many years so that you can make the right choice. Otherwise, you risk feeling intensely lonely alongside a sick partner.
4. The initial good feeling in a relationship is not permanent🎢
Another misconception about marriage is that we get married to make a good feeling permanent. We think marriage will help us maintain that initial good feeling forever, like the feeling of eating a romantic dinner. However, there’s no connection between these feelings and the essence of marriage. In reality, marriage shows us a different side of itself, one that’s much rougher, more mundane, and even bitter. For example, a house in the suburbs with the installments of a terrible loan, a long commute to work, children who drive you crazy, minimal commonalities between you and your spouse, unresolved conflicts with their family, and above all, realizing you married the wrong person.
5. Instead of separating from your partner, separate from your misconceptions🚪
As long as there’s no violence, suspicion, addiction, or betrayal, simply because the initial excitement and passion are gone, I would never recommend that your first option be leaving the relationship. You shouldn’t leave your partner; you should let go of the wrong idea you have: that there’s a perfect being who can fulfill all my needs and grant me all my wishes.
6. Tolerate imperfection🌹
We must replace our romantic view of marriage with a tragicomic awareness and accept that every person will disappoint, anger, annoy, and drive us crazy, and we (without any malice) will do the same to them. There’s no end to feeling empty and incomplete. But none of this is abnormal or a reason for divorce. Choosing someone to commit to is simply a matter of identifying which particular kind of suffering we prefer to sacrifice ourselves for.
7. Compatibility is the result of love, not a prerequisite💡
If your partner fails to erase your sadness, it doesn’t mean they’re incompetent. The person who is most compatible with us is not someone who shares all our tastes but someone who can intelligently negotiate differences. Instead of the fantasy of being one, the capacity to tolerate differences is important. Compatibility is the result of love, not a prerequisite. We must learn to live with our imperfections and try to develop a more forgiving, humorous, and compassionate view of our own and our partner’s many flaws.
💬 What’s your biggest surprise about married life, or what advice would you give to someone considering marriage? Share your thoughts below, and don’t forget to pass this post along to anyone who might benefit from a fresh perspective on relationships!
